I smiled for the first time this week.

Something made me smile for the first time this week.

尽管如此，心里还是阴阴的。可能是因为太在乎你吧。但是，我还是会为你默默付出。

Thanks. Your sore throat came in time. He sounds like Liang Po Po.

I’ll be there.

When the tears start to fall, you feel no hope at all.
Don’t you ever think of giving in.
When the rain starts to fall, everything seems so calm.
Don’t you ever frown, because I’ll be around.

And late at night, I’ll close my eyes.
And pray that one day you will find.
The strength inside to show you,
how to break through this time.

Whenever you need someone I’ll be there,
and everything will be okay.
Because we can pray that one day we’ll find the love,
that will lift us up to the sky.

Whenever you need someone I’ll be there,
and everything will be just fine.
Us hand in hand, we will make it through I’m sure.
This I promise you, till the very end of time.

I want to watch 原来我不帅 again.

It began today.

Secret Project 2 started today.

It was only the brainstorming part. More things will be coming up soon.

Meanwhile, I know people are very concerned about me. People like Shi Ying, Charlott, Yonghui and Desmond who left comments on my blog here.

Thanks.

And I know there are some people who are concerned too, despite not leaving comments here. People like Elvis and Luis.

Thanks.

I’m really blessed to have such wonderful friends around.

At least I know a lot of friends are concerning and supporting me. I’m really touched.

I really need to unwind at times. I hope you guys don’t blame me. I hope you guys don’t blame her. I hope you guys don’t blame one another.

I hope you guys will give her time. I’m sure she’s very stressed also. I’m sure she’s equally lost. I don’t know. But don’t bring this topic up to her. Again. Be it jokes or serious stuff. I think she can’t take it anymore.

Maybe I did too much. That’s why.

I had a heart to heart talk with someone today. He is really a great guy. At least he managed to talk sense into me so that I can think better now. At least someone knows how I really think.

For the past few days, I can’t think properly, and I’m nothing when I can’t think properly.

Which is why the stupid decision to buy 2 bottles of vodka and downed it in 8 mouths in total.

It is still unbalanced within me. My emotions are still not balanced yet. So please try not to provoke me lest I lose my senses again.

I need time. I need a lot of time I guess.

I guess it’s alright to stop for a while. Let everything cool and settle down.

I still see hope.

But I have not much energy left. One more setback might just kill me. Again.

我还是会装作没事发生。应该不会难吧。毕竟，都习惯了。

我选择走这条路，我就必须强壮。

Pardon me if I don’t smile a lot, or crap a lot. I need time.

It lasted a few hours.

I finished typing the post below.

I went out at 8pm. I sat at the staircase along the little jogging path along the canal. I knew I need to get it out of my chest.

I listened to many sad songs. Nothing happened.

Later, Jia Wei told me everything. Everything that I need to know.

It really is nothing. Nothing has happened. That is based on everyone’s context. That is really a fact.

But to me, something has happened. And more things are going to happen.

It was the 1st time I didn’t want to finish my bottle of green tea.

I was holding back tears.

I went to 7-11 to get a bottle of raspberry vodka and finished it in 4 mouths.

I went back to 7-11 to get another bottle of blackcurrant vodka and finished it in 4 mouths.

I went home. Via the jogging path behind Pioneer Primary School.

I staggered here and there. Soon my emotions set in.

Tears flowed non-stop.

I reached that little staircase and sat down. Tears continued to flow. Thoughts continued to flash.

So just a few hours after I typed that post, I broke down.

And I sat down there for half an hour before I staggered home in tears, much to the astonishment of my mum. Thanks Jia Wei for explaining things to my mum.

I managed to on my laptop and saw the comments by Desmond and Charlott.

Tears flowed out once again. This time, it’s different.

I’m really touched.

Thanks.

And Charlott, even though I’ve never talked to you personally before, the comment you left touched me a lot.

I mean, we aren’t very close friends, but the concern you showed me. Thanks.

I’m very lost now.

But I still want to stick to my decision. I know all is not over yet. I have to be strong.

But for now, let me heal.

Because I still don’t feel good.

我了解，什么叫做，无奈。

我好累。我好冷。我好想哭。

3 hours of sleep.

I didn’t really sleep well last night.

Despite the weather being very suitable for sleeping.

I went to bed at 11pm. I feel asleep soon after 1am. I remember hearing my watch beep twice.

I got up at 4am. And hear my watch beep twice again. It was time to wake up for school.

Despite that short 3 hours of sleep. I dreamt of something. I woke up and realised that it was a trick of my sub-concious mind.

But I didn’t feel good.

I’m now in a total wreck.

Despite all these, I tried to sound lively as per normal when I sms people.

Used to it already. It’s been a long long time. It’s been happening for a long long time.

I have another Secret Project coming up.

That is for another girl who is special to me. After all, she has helped me a lot. So it’s time for me to do something for her.

我得收拾心情，装作没有事发生。毕竟，我也习惯这么做了。

But I’m really very very tired. If only I could just disappear suddenly. And indulge in my own true emotions. For once. Just once.

I’ll be disappearing now and then. Go to somewhere quiet.

It has been a long long time since my tears last flowed. Today, it flowed.

I know it seems like actually it’s really nothing that is happening. But to me, it is indeed devastating.

I know I shouldn’t lose hope. I know what I’m capable of at the end of the day. I did the impossible. I still want to do many impossible things.

I’m a quiet and mysterious person. But underneath I’m someone who is willing to do many impossible things for my friends and my loved ones.

I’m a humble person. I know I’m being thick-skinned in my blog, by saying how great I am and all those stuff. But that’s just to spice my blog up.

But deep inside, I really am a humble person. My face will go red if people praise me up to the skies in front of me. I’d rather no one praise me. Maybe just a ‘well done’ will do. I’ll be very happy.

I guess no one understands how it is like to know that you are going to lose your only source of motivation, despite you being hopeful all the time.

人间有希望? 都是骗人的。

努力就会有回报? 都是骗人的。

世界是残酷的。人间有爱? 我看不到。

What are hopes?

Like I said before, hopes are stupid things that bring you high up to the skies and will come crashing down into pieces in front of you.

Many are astonished to learn that it’s been so long. I’m quite surprised at myself too.

But looks like all these aren’t important.

I don’t really like to talk about such things. It is really not my nature. I only share it with people I’m really very close with.

I’m a total wreck now. I’m still trying not to breakdown. But beginning to breakdown. All because of one question being asked and the reply was just a simple 2-word answer.

事情的结果，跟我想象的完全不一样。

And once I breakdown, I guess gone are the days you see me smiling, cracking jokes, suaning Shi Ying on blogs.

Everyone is telling me. Don’t lose hope.

Easier said than done. But I know I shouldn’t. I know I mustn’t. I know all is not lost yet. But I see it starting to fade away.

This is scary. Very scary.

I’m still willing to sacrifice myself anyway. Even though that is going to make me breakdown.

After all, I’m the one breaking down. And not her. So just let me be. How she feels is more important than whether I breakdown or not.

这，只不过是我做出的一点小小的牺牲。虽然，我不是很愿意。

That’s how I think all these while.

I know people have been telling me that it’s not worth it.

You guys don’t understand.

Who asked me to be a Cancerian? I’m very sensitive to how I feel about my friends and how my friends feel about me.

I guess this sentence is in me all these while.

If I suffer alone and she will be happier, I am willing to suffer this fate again and again.

So what if you disagree?

我很想为你做很多很多事。很多很多不可思议的事。

I don’t care. I skipped half of my boring PBF lecture just to stone in front of Jurong Lake. I’ve got no mood to study. I’ve got no motivation to study. I told myself to start studying after the completion of the video. As I flipped through the PBF and Econs study guides today, I can’t absorb a single thing.

I slammed the book down on the floor in frustration and went to sleep.

I am approaching a nervous breakdown. Now I will flare up easily if people provoke me. I might just beat him up.

This is very rare from me.

Even Maths. I don’t feel like doing it.

我，这是自暴自弃，对吗?

I do hope that you’ll come to understand one day. I still believe that you’ll understand one day. Even though people have been telling me to just forget it.

Read the story of the dragonfly.

That is what I have been doing all these while.

And there’ll be one dragonfly on your shoulder at all times. Just that you didn’t notice it. Or maybe you chose to ignore it.

This is the most emotional post I’ve ever come up with.

希望我所写的，都是白担心一场。

Usually I’ll not type such a post. I’ll usually keep it within myself. Or maybe tell one or 2 closest friends around. But I’m really filled to the brim. I really want to blurt everything out. I hope you understand.

I heard what it is said about my horoscope this week. How true.

I guess I really am a nobody.

我，真的很辛苦。但一切也许都不重要了。

Now, I need someone to talk to.

缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间
两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面
我要的只是你在我身边

心里的雨倾盆而下 也沾不湿她的发
本应该明显跟上的牵挂
那伤心原来没有时差

心里的雨倾盆的下 却始终淋不到她
寒风经过院子里的枝芽
也冷却了我手中的鲜花

As long as you are happy. It is all my fault.

Protected: Time’s up.

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Protected: I’m losing…

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Song of the Week

I’m starting to emo. Again.

I lost?

Ok. For the past few weeks I was busy with the birthday video of Ping Pong Queen.

Yeah. Thanks for everyone who helped me in one way or the other, especially Miss Lim Shi Ying.

While I was making the video, I had this thought in mind.

I remember that Ping Pong Queen doesn’t cry easily. And if I managed to make her cry while watching the video, means I’m really really very very zai.

So as the video was being played to her, everyone was gathering behind the laptop to witness my virgin video and what kind of stunts or twists or whatever Ah Seow will pull.

I feel proud of myself. I feel a strong sense of accomplishment. After all, it was 1 month’s of hard work. And many late nights spent. It was great when everyone told me that it was a great video.

Actually, like Jay Chou, 我对于自己的作品会很自恋。

However, as the video was being played, Ping Pong Queen was holding back tears. In the end, no tears came out.

Which means she almost cried.

Which means I almost won.

Which means in other words, I lost.

But I’m glad she enjoyed the video. Hope it really brought back her wonderful memories with her wonderful friends.

Of course lah, do very long one leh.

Yup. I reminded her to watch the video again back at home. Which she said she would, because she couldn’t really hear what people were saying in the video.

I should have borrowed that big speakers from Luis.

Anyway, everything is done. I did all what I could do. I did a lot. I’m really tired. I need a break.

突然有一种很空虚的感觉。我不想这一切都结束。我还想为你做很多很多事。虽然忙，但忙得很开心。

Oh well.

Now I have a very weird feeling about this. Weird and negative feeling.

I have this feeling people are hiding something from me.

The 9th 21st birthday party. EP.

The 10th 21st birthday party.

So this was held at Jeremy’s condominium.

For the sake of his girl.

It was gothic theme. And you should see the astonished faces of people who passed by the function room when they saw a coffin (looks real but actually made of cardboard), and some candles.

And so, me and Kavin went off to fetch Chin Ya from Jurong East Popular. We were being briefed to blindfold the girl.

I was thinking how to possibly blindfold a girl? She’ll be struggling not to be blindfolded. Somemore, it’s Chin Ya you are talking about.

Surprisingly, the moment I saw her, she asked me where’s the cloth to be blindfolded.

Actually, it was crape paper.

But anyway, she was blindfolded without much effort. And throughout the journey to Jeremy’s condominum, she was asking all sorts of questions non-stop.

Where we going?

Now heading where?

What’s the plan?

I very scared leh.

Later can don’t remove the blindfold?

So of course, pestering me with several questions which I don’t have the answer myself.

And when she reached the function room, eveyone started to help her around, with her guessing whose hands she was struggling to hold.

She got it wrong most of the time.

Soon, Jeremy surprised her by popping behind her. It was a pleasant surprise for her. And she was ordered to change into a dress. Which she looked really nice.

Yeah. And as the video was being aired, I saw her struggling to hold back tears, but of course, to no avail.

Well. You should have seen the amount of effort Jeremy put in into the video.

One super power part was Best Bud Woo’s part. His scene is the best scene of all time.

Must see to believe.

Oh well. It was a great night for her I guess.